self worship part 2

Question; what do we all have, that only needs a friend to make it work, but we don't know that we've got it till its gone?

(the clue;)
FILM NOIR 
About to die; Familiar scene from a baggage free P.O.V; the colours the shapes the eyes the mouths the move the door the move the pull the smiles the joke the air the fresh the needle the finger the countdown; 5

the breath; .. 4

‘Im gonna .. b

the Calm; ... 3

…. e …. ba .. c ... k

the STILL; .... (00

(Dream Sequence)

the 'nothing .. 0

Nothing;

no thing;

something thing;

the empty;

the empty something thing;

the empty something thing no thing a;

Nothing and a thing a One??

.... a 1 and a Nothing ....'

(spark, ignite, explosion)

Breathing. 

'It lives ...'

The nudge. The 2nd nudge, the 3rd nudge the eyes open wide to; 

'How are you feeling?'

'Er... I dont know?'

'hahah, you must be feeling something?'

'Something? Er.... no. I'm feeling nothing!'

The three Wise men dressed as surgeons all laugh simultaneous;

'Feeling nothing? Hahah, well at least you are feeling something then'

The three wise men exit.
Answer;

x

 Bibliography

• Armstrong, D., The Art of Listening (Indigo Cider Publishing, April the 1st - the day of fools - 2016)

• Armstrong, D., the Beginners guide to Self-Worshiping (Indigo Cider Publishing, April the 1st – the day of fools – 2016) 

Highly Recommended Reading
Gray, W., QABALISTIC CONCEPTS living the tree (Weiser Books, 1997)

Esslin, M., The Theatre of the Absurd (Bloomsbury Publishing, 2003)

The Tao Teh Ching by Lao Tsu (various)


Highly Recommended Viewing/listening
Allan Watts; youtube

David Snyder; youtube

‘Always look on the bright side of life’ from Monty Pythons ‘Life of Bryan’.

‘Imagine’ John Lennon.

Self-Worship? Part One.

Question;  what do we all have that needs a friend?

Clue; About to die and vomiting blood, on a trolly, a lump of throbbing formed material meat, blood mucus shit dazed, confused, conscious; noticing; Bright room; light bright green walls; bright White cupboards; A running out of clocK(!) tic toc sloWly and leSs; cylinDersJarswiresTubespaPerworkEyes speaking mouths. Trolly moves; storming slam as doors open all go to shove and push and stop sharP!! Body Bench Germ ' 2 3 GO!' body repositioned, eyes speaking, mouths focus hungry for action. dazed, confused and needle and finger pressure wind pipe, breath, out, gone .... black empty white shapeless shaped light, screaming quiet, buzzing, crying dry, a nothing makes sense and all dazed and confused and gone with; baggage heavy and a "why mE I'M sorr". sharp light sharp piercing high pitch light. lots of baggage too heavy for the light burdened (from where?) material choking desire; "fix me with anot....!!!". empty and forgetting, till; 'it could be back on guys’. body blue blood blue, stitching fingers needle and thread. Organs pickled rotten, dead and removed, bucket to the side now full. Still stuck still, stuck! Stuck in the timeless mud of "give me more of what you got? I don't want your junk mail?" Speed is the time now with; sparks and volts high shouts applaud; 'hahah ok job done' 'you’re a genius Miller!!..'. the light comes on inside, inside the throbbing lump of material burdened choking meat; stitched up, beating heart, lungs filled with container air. ‘THelightINside Si my on tHe itS insIdeliGht’... It lives ‘it lives, 2 hours and 15 minutes not bad’. Pills snoozed off, dozy and dazed. Eyes open, grateful heart., smiling, confused and smiling; "Success".....

answer;

                                                X

Bibliography

Gallwey, T,W., The Inner Game of Tennis (London, Pan Books, 1975)

Ready, R & Burton, K., Neuro-Lingusitic Programming for Dummies (Hoboken, Wiley, 2004)

Peichang, W & Guanhua., Relax and Calming Qigong (Hai Feng Publishing Co, LTD, 1992)

Watts, A., The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety (Random House Inc, 2011)

Quick Fix Therapy

CBT and the Tao

Cognitive (what you think) Behavior (what you do) Therapy (what you change) the Tao (flow)

CBT looks at five areas of life that make you who you are;

1. Environment

The environment is made up of people, places and things - you are powerless over all three, at all times!

2. Physical

Physical sensations are created by your response to the environment, the people, the places, the things.

3. Thoughts

There are two types of thinking, a) Healthy Thinking b) Un-Healthy Thinking.

4. Behavior

There are two types of behavior, a) Going with the flow and b) not going with the flow

5. Feelings

There are two types of feelings a) Peaceful b) not Peaceful!

Here is the CBT model <Padesky and Mooney, 1990>

The diagram shows how the physical, feelings, thoughts, and behavior, within the environment or situation we are in, impact and affect the other. The suggestion is to create your own, unique map of yourself and where you are in your life. Personalize it with coloured pens paints, drawings, stick on photos, maps, places, people, things, meaningful symbols. Then use it as a meditational tool. Simply relax, deep breathing, drift into trance and see what happens.

Tip Top Tao

·      Environment

Feng Shui; The Chinese way to improve the environment. There are lots of ideas on the internet, ways to use Feng Shui to make your home feel energized, brighter, with positive Chi energy, bringing good luck and fortune into your life.

·      Physical.

 There are lots of Chinese exercises born from Taoist philosophy; Tai Chi, Chi Kung. Qi Gong, Kung Fu. The Essex Hung Kuen Kung Fu association, based in Walthamstow, London, is a traditional Chinese school with strict ethical and morally codes that guarantee the finest and most respected teaching in Europe since the 1980s. Students come from all over the world just to have a look, its incredible, magnificent.

(The trouble you’ll find with authentic Chinese martial arts clubs is that they don’t or won’t advertise, so anything you want to find out can be very difficult. Now we have the Internet and excitable novices like me posting our discoveries, its all become a bit more open. If you’re having difficulty and are desperate for more local based recommendations contact the ‘Shaolin Way’ shop in China town London)

• Thinking (Bad?) Reflecting (Better!) Meditation (the Best!)

 If you must think; Keep it simple! One thing at a time! First things first! (a few 12 step quotes). Forget the past, its gone (grief), Forget the Future, it hasn’t happened (worry). Thinking about your breathing is the most powerful thought to thank. Criticizing, giving advice, interpreting? Simply listen! Listen to yourself breathing deep. The Latin for breath is Spiritus, something for you to reflect over.

·      Behavior.

Sexy people are Cool! Calm! Relaxed! They Smile from the Heart, with the Eyes. That’s how sexy people behave! Your choice!

• Feelings.

We deeply bury our feelings. We are taught that feelings are bad, so we bury them and cover them up with sugar. All I can say here is that there are NO WRONG OR BAD FEELINGS!!! There is an old saying that I often hear when I go to group therapy sessions that always brings a smile ‘the good news is, you’re going to get your feelings back and the bad news is, you’re going to get your feelings back’.

                                                                             x
You are in an environment, made up of people, places and things. You are powerless over all of these things. 12 step recovery programs recognize this and at the end of the meeting, everybody is asked to say a prayer to the God of their understanding;

‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference’

References;

Padesky, C.A and Mooney, K.A. (1990) ‘Clinical tip: Presenting the cognitive model to clients’, International Cognitive Therapy Newsletter, 6: 13-14.

the Tao and I

The Tao; everything that is, internal and external, the essence of all. Yin and Yang compliment each other as do big and small. There cannot be one without the other; no me without a you, no in without an out, no colour without a shape, no shape without a colour. No heaven without an Earth. All connected, all one.

The illusion of separateness is Western belief. The Westerner locates himself inside the brain and identifies with what he/she sees inside his/her internal cinema screen, the internal surround sound system, and takes this information and believes thats who he/she is. The Westerner disconnects him/herself with the external world and creates the illusion of self, believing that he/she is a separate being, entity from all things, an internal being. The root of which has given birth to loneliness, anxiety, guilt, regret, worry, I am this, I am that. We never say or even think 'I am One'. To say 'I am One', we are taught, is an Egotistical way to think (thinking is discouraged as it causes arguments and by not thinking causes 'Sheep following' behavior, making it easier to be rounded up when the time comes). 'I am One' is misinterpreted as 'I am God and You are separate from me, I am Great'.

Western man created the Bulldozer so he could conquer the external and natural world around him, not realizing the natural world is all part of the 'I am One' thinking, therefore man has nothing to conquer but himself. Once realization of 'I' and Nature and the Earth an the Heavens and the gods and God are all 'One', compliments, connected, the way we see the 'I' changes, allowing us to become Enlightened Buddhas. 'I, Me, Dean' personally, freaked out!!!

We are taught this 'separate' in school, the external world is separate from who you are and thus we must nurture an Ego and never feel connected and destroy what we have to, in order to get what we don't have, in order to get it what we want and desire (desire according to Buddha is the root cause of all suffering), got it? The Tao is Eastern thought and it is not mentioned in our society, Why is that? The Ego has knocked us off balance, made us all wobbly. Trees incidentally, that don't have Egos, stand strong and tall, Water, that is soft, conquers all and all of this new thinking is found inside Ancient Taoist literature thousands of years old. There are many Chinese Taoist exercises too that I'd like to talk about later, but for now, look up 'Chi Kung', add it to your new vocabulary!

Taoists believe we are all one, no I. The way to feel this oneness with everything is to become centered and stop locating ourselves in the head, but instead, to find our true centre in the heart or solar plexus regions of the body. The conscious mind inside the head disconnects from the centre and creates panic. The conscious needs the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind controls the beating of the heart and the breath. Taking control of the breath, breathing deep and calming the beating heart is choice and far from impossible or even difficult. The benefit of this practice and a good habit to have, will make all the difference and enjoyment of life and possibly prevent illness and unnecessary early death. The conscious mind creates the panic, the unconscious can restore it and meditation is a highly recommended practice that can liberate the mind from the Ego and the delusions it creates of 'self' and 'I am a this, a that ...', that prevent healthy living, mental stability, physical strength, and spiritual peace. Even to say 'I am a Taoist' defeats the intention (note to self (???)).

It is my dream - I, Me, my Ego - dreams of building a Taoist temple in Cambridge, where enlightened people, Taoist priests and Buddhist teachers can come and teach us these beliefs, ideas, thoughts. Not to strip us/one or stop us having fun, playing games on either our mobile phones or make us start wearing boring clothes and all looking the same or all becoming boring and dull, but to give us back a feeling of not being alone - spiritually disconnected from higher and greater things - that this separateness makes us or me feel. Life is hard, I know that and 'I' find people hard and for that 'I' seek and explore lots and lots of therapies to calm the mind, the mind that is disconnected, frightened, anxious about the future, depressed with the past. A temple would be likened to a hospital where we could go for some mental medicine, a moment of peace, a place to reconnect to that which we are already connected. Then after the service, we or 'I' would go back out into the world where the might 'Bulldozer' is king and its enemy is the forest and join back in the game, only feeling recharged and knowing its just a game.

There's lots I want to discuss, from; the Buddha, Feng Shui,  NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), Memory Techniques, and lots and lots more. For now, if you are not feeling too good, take a deep controlled breath, calm the heart and consider this Oneness that the sages have been trying to give us or offering to us for thousands of years. Look up Allan Watts on youtube and listen to any of his work, any! Google the Tao Teh Ching by Lao Tzu, watch the BBC 'Life of the Buddha' available also on youtube and have a listen to the Hypno therapy videos too, I can't recomend Hypnosis enough, it can really help with emotional problems of any description, phobias, anxiety, grief or even just add a spring in your step. I'm going for a coffee. Lots to talk about. Remember your not alone, 'Imagine' (that) John Lennon.

Peace, Love, Light,

Indigo Cider (my alter Ego or the 'I' who isn't, hahahahah) xxx

P.S, I'm getting iphone 5 today, so I'm excited. Going into town too, shave my head and beard first so I look like Walt White from Breaking Bad, I want to impress a Polish girl who works in Neals Yard, sweet, I need to look cool and then I'm going to check out Vans shoe shop my daughter recommended. Its all go for a Taoist x

My Past and Future influences and the right here and Tao

My first ever hero was my Dad. He’d been all round the world in a Submarine. A very clever man with tattoos of Mermaids and Parrots – as sailors do – drank like a fish,  hard as nails, never lost his rag and could do the Times crossword blindfold! Very, very clever! I wanted to join the Navy. My Mam was from a Gypsy background and the King of the Gypsies was my Uncle Bee – another early hero - who told me captivating stories about his herd of Donkeys, spotted paint and how he used to hide from the kiddy catcher - under a bridge in Pickering, with a big doorstep sandwich – because he wouldn’t go to school. I wanted to be a Gypsy.

1970s was spent playing ‘Cowboys and Indians’, with my Stokesley – my home town - mates, Geronimo, that was me, I wanted to be a Red Indian. I was also obsessed with the TV show ‘Kung Fu’ staring David Carradine – Bruce Lee was considered for the part but he was too Chinese for the West. I always wanted to walk on rice paper and burn Dragon marks onto my forearms by picking up a red hot cauldron. I wanted to be Grasshopper. Looking back, I think that show influenced more than just the kids. I remember two Stokesley lads, twins, in their 20s, Waffa and Wacka, would walk through the town doing Karate Kicks to imaginary bad guys. Stokesley was like that, full of characters, all acting, playing, enjoying life.

I have nothing to say about school at all. It wasn’t till I went to New College Durham to study Drama and the Theatre Arts, that I became seriously interested in learning. My tutor - and next hero on my list - John Sansick, a very big man with a very big theatrical voice, what he didn’t know about Theatre wasn’t worth knowing. I wanted a big Theatrical voice. He told me all about these amazing people; Samuel Becket, Harold Pinter, and the different styles of Theatre, lots, but what really blew my brain, was the Theatre of the Absurd. That was it! ‘Absurd, Absurd, Absurd, life is Absurd!!!’. Suddenly, at 17 years, I didn’t want to be Geronimo anymore; I wanted to be Bertolt Brecht! So I bought some cheap cigars and pretended to understand big words like; Episodic, Alienation, Catharsis. What the hell they meant I did not know, but I didn’t need to know; I was Brecht.

Then I went to Drama School, late 80s, and I meet Robert Tailor, a voice and acting coach. He had an amazing presence and great performance skill. I wanted to be him. It was at Drama School that I also met the most influential person I’ve ever met and will ever meet ever in my life, and for that I am convinced; Jim Uglow. Jim was, and still is, an expert in Chinese Martial Arts. He taught a movement class based on Chinese disciplines to the Acting Students. Now Jim was different, a little odd, very happy, free, focused, with concentration unmatched, not normal, a fun character, but didn’t have an Ego, at all, different. Meeting somebody like this is a bit scary. Please don’t misunderstand my affection and admiration for all the people I’ve listed above, and the word Ego in no way implies big head, or love me do types. None of my heroes were like that at all! This Ego thing confused me. This identifying with things, people, places, the Past, the Future, that’s all I knew.  For the first time in my life, I felt naked, a bit lost. I loved Jim and still do, but I didn’t want to be him. I was confused. Damn! The world of make-believe came to an end. Meeting Jim was a bit like looking in a mirror that exposes who you really are. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see that, I don’t think I liked it. The Truth. Yak.

Why Tao, Now?

Its been a long journey for me to get here. I always was here and knew it as a little boy, I just didn't know what to do with it.
  I'm a little boy 3 or 4 years old. My pet Budgie Peter fly's out of an open window. I cry - I loved that bird - Gone. 'Up up and away' plays on the radio. 'What is life all about?' I think.
  I lived in a street called 'Brewery Terrace'. You can take the boy out of the Brewery But, you can't take the Brewery out of the boy.
  I'm 18. I pick up the bottle and don't put it down.
 Always questioning life, all the time, all of the time. Never getting it right, never fitting in and yet always interesting and interested. People found me odd - still do -, pleasant, easy, friendly, good, ok, kind. Some people found me to be the opposite of all those niceties. Thats what alcoholism does, it puts people off you, turns them away. I spend all my adult life drinking. Puzzled, confused. Never wanting what I was or what I had. I needed more. I knew there was more and all the time it was always there and I just didn't realize. The best things in life are the hardest to see.
  Peter was gone. I'm crying. Sad. A cross roads. Do I keep crying for the things that have gone? or, do I embrace the spiritual essence of life, stop crying and feel the connectedness of all things and understand that actually nothing comes and nothing goes and all is one, no beginning, no end.
 No! Spiritual comprehension was far too simple to embrace. Thats why we aren't taught it at school, by our family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, TV, Radio, Newspapers, all that media, all the encounters, people, strangers, because very few people even know what it is.
 And, so no. The little boy cries for the great loss of his friend and he keeps crying.
 Crying was the answer, thats how to deal with loss, wanting, desiring, must have, can't have, should have, not fair! And all around me, everywhere, everyone is crying. In pain. Suffering. It was all I knew and I think its all some people will ever know.
 After a lifetime of crying for Peter the Budgie, I nearly die. Not once. 5 or 6 or 7 times or more. Frustration, anger, confusion, disgust, gets the better of me and I find myself on a slab of steel. About to be sedated and knowing I may not ever wake up, ever. I decide that if I am to recover, I'll spend the rest of my life accepting the loss of Peter the Budgie. Stop crying and take everything that comes as part of the game. Life is a game. Its meant to be enjoyed. We all only have one chance to enjoy it. I woke up from my operation. I was lacking a stomach, a spleen, a gall bladder, lost half my pancreas, lots of intestine and had a colostomy bag stuck to my side. Lots of loss to cry about. We all only have one go at this life. One go. Thats all. Do I cry about all my loss? All my mistakes? All my self-pity? All my grieving? All these things that could easily keep me crying - and in this world, my tears would be accepted I'm sure with 'poor bloke, he's had it tough' or 'Idiot, he deserved it', normal responses - I neither want pity or to be thought of as an idiot. Pity me or call me an idiot if you so wish, only don't expect me to agree or join in the futile gossip of my worthy life. I love my life today. I have found what I have been searching for since 1970. Searching high and low. Feeling high and low whilst searching. Looking everywhere for it. Now, I have found it at last. Peter the Budgie has come home or is home, or more to the point, was always home. To my surprise, astonishment, amazement, and absolute delight, I now know that Peter the Budgie had never left me in the first place. It was me who left him. I'm the one who has returned. Still crazy, mad, finding life as hard as I always have, drinking, smoking, swearing - I'm still a bad boy - The only difference, is that now, I'm the one who is flying, floating, moving with the wind. Its called the Tao. Freedom from the bondage of all misery, living in the essence of it all. No past, no future. Just the Now and in the Now is everything the Buddha talked about. The Now is here and there's no need to look for it, its here already. To explore it, live it, be it, is a gift. The Ego, the disillusioned sense of self, is insanity. Get real! Man has gone crazy. This planet is hosting the biggest lunatic show in the universe and I know because I've got a front seat ticket, the show is called 'Greed! Grieve and Give!'. Its a good show. I've seen it before. In the end, they all Die before they lived.

the Tao

What is the Tao (Pronounced Dow)? Well to put it simply, the Tao is the Way. What is the Way? Well for me, I can only think of it as being in the Now. The presentness of being, to be in the right here and Now with no deviated thoughts of the past or the future things to come. The Taoists Bible is a little ancient Chinese text called 'the Tao Teh Ching' (Dow Deh Ching). Translated, this means 'Tao (Way) Teh (Virtue) Ching (the Canon or ultimate Book, the Masterpiece!). Also, I say little because it is. 81 chapters, that contain short verses, explaining the Tao. Its simple and yet highly profound and so its not that easy to really understand and even harder to explain. So as the ancient Chinese proverb says, 'the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step', lets do just that and take our first step. The first step then, is now, right Now!